I have been doing this parenting thing now for nine years, but the complexity and differences of my children still never fail to amaze me. There are four individuals who call me “Mom”, and although they definitely look alike, their personalities and character quirks could not be more diverse. I have a child who is artistic and friendly, a people-pleaser and an overachiever. Another child is class clown, the center of attention, loud and funny and yet introverted in his own way. In discipline, what works for one child does not work for another. In housework and other responsibilities, what motivates one child will not motivate another. In school, what helps one child learn confuses another. And, I have found, my relationships with each one of my children work in pretty much the same way. The way I communicate and interact with each of my children varies based on their personality and also their age.
Gabi is my oldest. She recently turned nine and is moving toward those preteen years faster than I would like to admit. We named her well, as she loves to talk my ear off about cute kittens and puppies and Minecraft and her friends and books and cool science facts and, well, you get the idea. Several months ago, as I was half-listening to her tell me about her latest issue of Kids National Geographic, I thought “When was the last time Gabi and I talked about something deeper than books or video games?” The realization that it had been a long time motivated me to try harder. I would purposefully bring up spiritual topics or body topics in an attempt to dig a little deeper and build my relationship even more with my oldest. And while this did work, in a way, it felt forced, manipulated, and completely artificial. There was nothing wrong with me bringing up these conversations, but it didn’t seem genuine and never led to more conversations on the same subject. In other words, she was not coming to me to talk about these things. I started praying for a better way to connect with my daughter. I thought about the activities she liked the most – writing, drawing, creating, making things – and how I could incorporate those things into a more beneficial way to communicate with her.
That’s when I came up with the shared journal idea. When I was Gabi’s age, I would keep old notebooks with doodles scrawled on the covers and in the margins. I wrote things like “Today was a happy day” and “Rachel is my best friend always and forever” with lots of illustrations and stickers. What if Gabi and I had a journal we would write together? I could write her a note or a question, pass the book on to her, and she could write her answer and anything she wanted to ask me before passing it back to me. From my own childhood experience I know that sometimes it’s easier to write about hard topics than it is to actually say them aloud. I searched the local bookstores for the perfect journal and fancy pens to accompany it.
As it turns out, someone else already had this idea. At a small stationery store in the area, I found a journal written by a mother and daughter team called Just Between Us: A No-Stress, No-Rules Journal for Girls and Their Moms. (by Meredith and Sofie Jacobs) The concept of this journal is similar to what I had in mind, only better. The journal is filled with writing prompts like “What I was like when I was a daughter your age/What I’d be like if I were a mom” and “How you and I are the same.” There are lots of pages that have free space to write whatever you want. With this journal and a new set of sparkly gel pens in hand, I sat my daughter down and explained to her how sharing a journal would work. She was tremendously excited and couldn’t wait to get started.
At first, the things we shared in the journal were superficial and light, things like “Mom, you should make pancakes tomorrow for breakfast” and “My favorite color is still green, in case you wanted to know.” She would write these things, dotting her i’s with hearts and surrounding her precious handwriting with smiley faces before leaving it on my nightstand so that I could write her back. I would try to write her back as soon as I could and leave my ribbon in the place I had written so she could find it. Gradually, the topics in the journal got deeper and more personal. One time in particular, we resolved an argument and misunderstanding by writing down our feelings in the journal. I won’t share an exact situation since the journal is “just between us,” but it has become quite evident that both of us can express ourselves better in writing sometimes.
I bought this journal many months ago, and we are still using it faithfully. Of course, it is not our only means of connecting with each other. There are still long conversations in the car, Starbucks coffee dates, chat over folding laundry, etc. But we have this method for when it’s too hard to say it aloud or when it just really needs to be accentuated with lots of exclamation points and glittery hearts. Someday, my little girl will be all grown up, but I will always have this journal to remember our “conversations” when she was young.
dandelion bouquets 